


Heartless

by icaruslaughed



Series: Suptober20 [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Angst, Lots of Angst, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Season 15 Era, i tried a new writing style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26908984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icaruslaughed/pseuds/icaruslaughed
Summary: day 8 of suptober20
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Suptober20 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1955047
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	Heartless

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i tried out a new style of writing this time but i really like it; it’s rather fitting somehow

over ten years ago, i pulled you out of hell and you hardly knew me but i knew you. i knew your heart and mind and body. from you i learned what it means to feel, to love, in those years i spent rebuilding you after i raised you from perdition. then i set you back in your timeline, expecting to never see you again, but i did, against all odds. because you called upon me. and i haven’t been able to shake you since. not that i would ever want to.

over ten years ago, i confronted you in a different barn. not the one where you first remember meeting me, but another one. it was considerably smaller. i remember thinking that. it was different than the first barn because it _had_ to be different because this time i was supposed to fight you and i couldn't. i couldn't because i didn't want to. i didn't want to hurt you. i never did and i never will.

i remember you said, “ _you’re some heartless sons of bitches, you know that?_ ” it stung because it was true. still is. angels are rather heartless.

so i replied, “ _as a matter of fact we are. and?_ ” i could hardly look you in the eye. we—angels—are some heartless sons of bitches. but it felt wrong to include myself in “we” because how could i be heartless when i could feel how wrong it was, what we were told to do to anna? angels don’t feel. we don’t feel. so i included myself in “we” as a reminder of what i was and what i needed to be in that moment: heartless. angels don’t feel because we can’t afford to feel because the things required of us would break someone who could feel. 

maybe that’s why i’m broken.

you looked at me with such hatred in your eyes because there was understanding there too. you could see i hated it but i had to do it anyway because heaven does not tolerate disobedience. you thought back to all those times when your own father gave you orders that were certainly questionable for anyone who could feel that they were wrong. you thought about how you followed them anyways because there are consequences for disobedience. then you pulled yourself out of your own head and looked at me with such disdain because how _dare_ anyone else make the same mistakes you did. how _dare_ anyone else suffer the way you did for making them. how _dare_ i not do what’s right because that’s what’s most important, more so than orders, more so than god.

i remember how you hated me because you knew me then, and you _understood_ me too. maybe that’s when i knew i loved you. because you _could_ understand. you knew what it was like to have to push everything away in order to do what needed to be done. even if you hated me for it.

you hated me then the same way you hate me now. i see it. you hate me because i made a stupid deal out of love but you understand because you did the same thing for sam over ten years ago. you hate me because i can’t learn from your mistakes.

maybe being heartless is the way to go. then i wouldn’t feel bad about having to tell you this. i wouldn’t have made the deal to begin with.

maybe i wouldn’t have fallen in the first place. have you noticed that every angel fell for caring too much? about god, about right and wrong. about Humanity. when hester told me that i had fallen in every way imaginable, she was right. i didn’t know just how right she was, at the time, but i know now. i fell for you in every way imaginable. i fell from heaven for you, i fell from sanity for you, but mostly i fell in love with you. 

and now, because i failed at being an angel, i have to leave you behind. 

yes, it would be so much simpler to be heartless than to say, “i love you, Dean Winchester.”


End file.
